please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
