The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
