I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
