so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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