hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
