yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
