how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
did i just pee glitter
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
