Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
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