What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
