My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
