I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
