My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Randomize
