not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Randomize
