So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
