Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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