Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
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