I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
