i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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