If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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