so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
