I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
