i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
