oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
Randomize
