I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize