So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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