she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
You took a bar mat shot.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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