I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
So squirting runs in the family.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
