does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Randomize
