I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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