I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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