I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
