i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
