I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
