I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
