Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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