I think my vagina is haunted
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
