glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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