The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
