I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
