I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
We talked him into tasing himself.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
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