he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
