She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize