your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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