if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
