I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
