All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
