I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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