I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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