Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
