listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
