The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
