WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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