...so i touched it.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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