I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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