and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
