new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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