I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
